


What Have I Become? I'm sorry.

by Controlled_by_temptation_stay_low



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Heathens (Music Video), Angst, Brief drugs, Homophobic Language, Jail, Jail AU, M/M, Murder, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, heathens inspired, joshler - Freeform, really sad ending, smut mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7338319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Controlled_by_temptation_stay_low/pseuds/Controlled_by_temptation_stay_low
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all have our own Blurryfaces and this is Josh's Blurryface bound to destroy everything he loves.</p><p>Rewriting.<br/>This is on Wattpad and the first chapter is the same after that it's completely different so check that out at JimBogartsHolyGhost</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Have I Become? I'm sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback is appreciated.  
> Kudos loved.  
> Love you all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was as though I would eventually destroy everything I had with Tyler, if I told him the truth. He would blame himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who revised a day or two early this girl because my life is going to hell. So thanks for the 700 plus views. Here's what I'm doing in honor of that. On Wattpad @ JimBogartsHolyGhost I'm going to post this story same first chapter but a much different course okayou so check that out. Also some things are going to be different thanKS love you all. Trigger Waring For abuse mostly for this chapter

I was curled up in the smallest possible ball I could make in my closet. I was crushed in there by my drumset and other 'junk', trying to call for help. I gave realizing I was being to quiet. It felt like my head was being ripped apart because of how much I had been crying.

My phone kept going off I could hear it going off in my back pack outside,probably Tyler, my boyfriend trying to get me to go to some graduation party. But I couldn't go anywhere no where would be safe for me especially with what I had just -.

Stop thinking about it. I need the letter. I felt around my closet until I found the box I was looking for. I pushed the lid off careful not to make any noise. I'm shaking. I found the letter I was looking for even though the whole closet was a mess of my past. I unfolded the letter reading it again. God I never told Tyler about this only my therapist for the whole time we have been best freinds.

I shoved it in Tyler's hoodie it stopped smelling like him I should probably steal a new one.

**You know Tyler doesn't care about you.**

"Shut up," I mumbled. I hate Blurryface. Blurryface that's what Tyler calls him, he explained why Blurryface to me. He said we all have our own demons in our head that we have to fight the voice in our heads. I didn't like being in the cramped dark space. The dark space was only helping my own inner demon. But I couldn't leave to see what I had done. I kept reading the letter until I stopped crying and my head felt a little better.

"Josh," Tyler called. Just hearing Tyler's voice gave me the tiniest hope that everything might be okay.

**That's a lie don't you know what YOU did ? Murders have no hope.**

I felt awful enough for what I had done did I really need Blurry to do that ? After Tyler probaly finds out he'll probally regret any friendship with me, the freindship I probally never deserved. The freindship with a murder. And he'll probably break up with me.

"I'm not a murder," I said to myself rocking myself back and forth in the cramped space. I could hear Tyler's feet shuffling on the floor. I put the box back putting the letter in my pocket ,grabbing the one next to it. I knew exactly what I had the thing is I don't know if I could take it. I opened it taking the pill bottle out there. I dumped all the pills in my hand.

**Do it.**

I swallowed the pills. Everything started to black out and loose sight. It felt like my body was shaking.

The next thing I knew I was over the toilet and Tyler was standing right next to me. I pushed my one hand to stand up when Tyler grabbed me into a hug. I angrily pushed him off to the point he almost feel in the shower. Tyler shot me a look of confusion and sadness.

He always had to do that question what I was saying.

"What's wrong ?" Tyler asked.

"What did you do ?!"

"I was trying to help you," Tyler said trying to be clam.

"Leave you're not helping anyone here!" I screamed pointing to the bathroom door. Once he had left I gathered all I would need my money and wallet and the gun dad had and spare clothes I dumped out my backpack and put it in there.

I needed to leave I'll go pick up Jordan and we'll go somewhere like maybe Chicago I have enough money. We could met up with Pete he'll know what to do.I was about to leave when I noticed Tyler was holding my car keys.

"Josh let me help you," he said following me to my car. Why was I so mad ? It felt like I was in control of my body but not what I was saying or doing. Why was I going on the run I knew what I did and I was willing to accept any punishment. What was I doing ?

"Josh please let me help you," I walked back inside my house if I couldn't use my car then I would walk somewhere. But where ? As I was walking through my house I was careful not to get any blood on me, I know that's my sister and father's blood but I didn't want to look at Ashley until I did. I kneeled down besides her she looked so young only sixteen the last thing she did was going on a date with Brendon, why did she have to die if only I got home earlier I would be the one laying there not her. I should be dead not her. God and Jordan only twelve is going to be in a foster home what did I do ? What have I become ?

After looking at Ashley for a couple more seconds I decided to leave the house I probaly was never coming back. I walked Tyler cautiously following me. I walked into the woods to find mine and Tyler's fort. It wasn't really a fort it was more so and abandoned wood cabin that no one uses so me and Tyler claimed it.

We would spend hours there. Doing absolutely nothing looking  back on it but that didn't matter, we had each other. I opened the door walking in. Everything was clean and dirt free one of the things I pride myself on I sat down on the stool that was there by the counter top. Tyler and I spent way to much time here we had an old laptop there. Tyler dragged a stool to sit next to me.

"This fell out of your pocket," Tyler said handing me the letter.

"You can read it," I mumbled placing my head on the table.

I knew what it said : Dear Tyler, I've always wanted to let you know about my dad and why I never talk about him or like him. My therapist told me to tell you I figured writing it would be better. How do I say this why are words so hard to use ? The thing is my father he's an alcoholic and abusive, he abuses me whenever he feels like it basically. What eight year old know what's those two words mean ? He's never hurt any of my siblings. I guess I will always have to make sure that, that remains true forever. God I hope this letter never gets to you. I don't want you to give me the look. The poor Josh with your abusive dad like I'm and abused puppy it's sickening. And I can'tleave 'cause of my siblings or I don't have the money and I've tried fighting back getting him to sto drinking it just makes it worse. I ended up getting the puppy look from you ? Whenever I said I was too in pain to do anything with you but you insisted that we do something so you would put on the X-Files and we would watch that in my bedroom. I would look over at you and you would be crying silently like you knew something was up but you didn't want to ask. God I'm awful with words.I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm scared that I won't be able to keep this abuse thing a secret from you. I'm scare that one day you'll find me dead because of him. I'm scare of the voices in my head. I'm scared that one day hitting me won't be enough and he'll go after Ashley or Jordan. I'm scared Tyler. And I don't care what that makes me sound like it just I can't live and make Jordan and Ashley grow up in this environment, I'm already ruined I don't want them to be too. Tyler, I just don't care anymore about myself and I just want to die. The rest of the letter was hard to read because of my tears mixing with the pens ink. Tyler didn't say anything for a couple minutes I couldn't tell if he was mad or what.

"Josh, I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," I mumbled not wanting to lift my head up from my arms. " I should've dropped out of high school."

"Josh don't say that,none of this is you fault," Tyler said trying to comfort me by rubbing my arm. But it was my fault and I knew it.

"Why are you here ?" I said. That sounded awful, oh well I think Tyler knew what I meant.

"I'm with you until the end of the line through everything," he said. "I'm going to pick up a few things for my house Taco Bell ?"

"Sure," I said lifting my head up. Tyler had his one hand on the door when he came back over and squeezed me off the stool.

"Don't do anything dumb while I'm gone," Tyler whispered in my ear. Before leaning into kiss me on my cheek.

"Okay," I said while Tyler walked to leave, "could you get me some clothes and stuff," I called from the cabin fort thing. I started searching around my bag, I didn't know what I was packing when I was angry. I felt calmer now that Tyler knew everything without me having to say or explain anything that I didn't want to.

Tyler had left the letter the date at the top fading away, ten years ago when I was eight that was when it started. My mom left leaving dad an angry acholic. I found a bottle of whiskey, I was going to take it to Patrick's party, a gun and some clothes. I looked at the bottle. I've never drank anything even at the parties I went to I just brought it . I started to wonder what the big deal about achool. I opened the bottle taking a couple of sips I put the bottle back down. I couldn't decide on if I liked it or not. So I took a couple of more sips until the bottle was empty my head was spinning. I grabbed a sleeping bag from the small closet and layed it down. I took of my shirt and pants off and went to sleep. I was barely awake when Tyler came in the cabin stepping on my leg. I didn't open my eyes or any thing but that woke me up . After Tyler had put everything in a cabinet he layed right next to me he probally looked at the bottle that I was curled around.

"What are you doing Josh ?" Tyler mumbled . Sliding closer to me to take away the bottle.He stayed there he was so close I bet he could see all the hidden scars. the scars that I would hid with make-up where now out in the open.

"Oh my god," Tyler said quietly. I started to drift off when Tyler whispered something.

"I love you no matter what Joshua Dun."

**No he doesn't.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Clique Amino @JimBogartsHolyGhost   
> And the same on Wattpad please comment and kudo thanks revisions every month or 2 weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback is appreciated.  
> Kudos loved.  
> Love you all.


End file.
